Jump to content


 

Photo

Jokes On Men & Women Relationship


  • This topic is locked This topic is locked
43 replies to this topic

#1 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 08 February 2013 - 04:59 PM

NOT AFRAID 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. 

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' 
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone. 
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 
Yep,' was the calm reply. 
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 
'Nope,' said the old man. 
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?' 
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
  • hyiptoon, hyip777, bobby120 and 5 others like this

#2 hyiptoon

hyiptoon

    Previous Admin Assistant

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 750 posts

Posted 08 February 2013 - 08:07 PM

Good one fever. LOL

#3 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 09 February 2013 - 05:14 PM

How men & women have different wavelength, focus and needs

“Have you ever seen The Last of the Mohicans?"
"I love it."
"Really?" I'm over the moon. We share a movie. Finally, we're on the same planet.
"Don't you love the part where he says, 'Stay alive. I will find you'?" I ask.
"I love that massacre scene," he says, like an excited little boy, "where they're walking down that path in the middle of nowhere and they're surrounded by the woods and you know the Indians are going to attack and it's so tense."
"Things that make you go hmmm.” ― Melina Marchetta, Saving Francesca
  • EsoRimr likes this

#4 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 10 February 2013 - 04:53 PM

Advertisement
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

Woman: "I know how to please a man."
Man: "Then please leave me alone."

Woman: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Man: "Yes, that's great... but would you stay there?

Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something smart?
A: It will start with: "A man once told me...!
  • hyip777 and Vis like this

#5 EsoRimr

EsoRimr

    HYIP investor

  • Inactive Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 296 posts
  • LocationCzech

Posted 10 February 2013 - 05:17 PM

Ok, my wife's favourite

Brain cell comes to the male head and looks around.There is a desolate and empty darkness, there was nothing. So the brain cell is calling: "Hello, is anybody there?" Waiting and nothing happens. It calls again: "Hello, is anybody there?" After some time, appears another brain cell and says: "What you yell? Don't you know that we are all down there ? :lol:

#6 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 10 February 2013 - 05:43 PM

SHE CHANGED ME
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.”Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,”remarked his friend.”I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Submitted by Kaspar.
  • Colaro, hyip777 and delmadord like this

#7 Vis

Vis

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 1,868 posts

Posted 11 February 2013 - 12:28 AM

A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."

"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire."
  • Drave likes this

#8 EsoRimr

EsoRimr

    HYIP investor

  • Inactive Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 296 posts
  • LocationCzech

Posted 11 February 2013 - 05:04 PM

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00."
The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
  • hyip777, hyipfever and private34 like this

#9 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 11 February 2013 - 07:22 PM

MY WIFE IS MISSING
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Submitted by Rohit.

HELP TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER
Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining. She said to her husband, “Nobody loves me….nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me!”
Her husband, watching TV said casually: “That’s not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don’t even know you.”
Submitted by zanny.
  • EsoRimr likes this

#10 EsoRimr

EsoRimr

    HYIP investor

  • Inactive Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 296 posts
  • LocationCzech

Posted 12 February 2013 - 04:32 PM

Why nagging does not work...

What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

from: Michael Clark
  • Casper likes this

#11 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 18 February 2013 - 10:43 AM

MARRIAGE CONCLUSION
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” She asked gently.
“I think you bring me bad luck.”
Submitted by Abby.

WISH GRANTED
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, “It really works!”
Submitted by Vincent.

THE MOST EVIL THING
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.”No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
Submitted by Tom.
  • hyip777, EsoRimr and Casper like this

#12 Casper

Casper

    HYIP investor

  • Inactive Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 635 posts
  • LocationSomewhere dutchie

Posted 18 February 2013 - 11:00 AM

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00."
The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

I'm still wondering if i do or don't like this one.... :o

#13 Casper

Casper

    HYIP investor

  • Inactive Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 635 posts
  • LocationSomewhere dutchie

Posted 18 February 2013 - 11:02 AM

THE MOST EVIL THING
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.”No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
Submitted by Tom.

That is a horrible one, I don't like making fun on the FORCE, my wife could read this, please be carefull with this kind of suggestions.
  • Vis likes this

#14 Vis

Vis

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 1,868 posts

Posted 18 February 2013 - 12:18 PM

That is a horrible one, I don't like making fun on the FORCE, my wife could read this, please be carefull with this kind of suggestions.



hahahaha
Casper, that's hilarious. :D :D :D

#15 EsoRimr

EsoRimr

    HYIP investor

  • Inactive Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 296 posts
  • LocationCzech

Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:00 PM

I'm still wondering if i do or don't like this one.... :o

you can also say that mans brain was used ;)

#16 hyiptoon

hyiptoon

    Previous Admin Assistant

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 750 posts

Posted 20 February 2013 - 08:57 PM

One more....Here you go..... :lol:


The merits of keeping one's mouth shut.....tightly


Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

...
I told her : Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping
me alive, I'd much rather die'.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Morals:
1. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's
  • hyip777 and hyipfever like this

#17 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 20 February 2013 - 10:02 PM

A HEALTHY LIFE
Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

The moral of this story: 
Do not argue with women when you know you will never win.
  • hyiptoon, hyip777 and Vis like this

#18 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 22 February 2013 - 05:31 AM

THE STUDY
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said “What?”
Submitted by Taylor.


  • delmadord and Vis like this

#19 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:38 PM

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks;
a woman loses hers after four kisses.
- H.L. Mencken

#20 hyipfever

hyipfever

    HYIP investor

  • Gold Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 777 posts
  • LocationIn the midst of thunder, lightning and colorful petals

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:39 PM

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, 
but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong